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Its not you...it's my attachment system!

The anxiously attached gets a bad rep, and I don't think it's coming from others, outside. Actually most of the negative voices come from within us. 'Oh come on ...you only just met him and now you are completely obsessed'. 'How ridiculous that we only just kissed and I can't stop thinking about whether she will ask me out for another date'. 'Why has he not text me in 4 hours, I shared some really interesting facts about photography....I think he has gone of me...he has met someone else...I really thought he liked me ...maybe he doesn't. ' 'I thought it was going so well, and she has ghosted me and I feel devastated.' When I read the book Attached by Levine and Heller everything changed for me. My anxious behaviours were normalised in this book. Anxious attachment is not a personal defect. It's not a reflection of our high value and self worth that we cultivate. It's a reflection of our attachment system formed in our childhood with our care givers. The book radically changed how I speak with myself and how I support clients to understand themselves. What the book gave me is the inspiration and knowledge of what securely attached people's behaviour looks like. To an anxiously attached person saying no to a romantic interest even if it's not the right fit can be very difficult when you have formed an attachment. However to a securely attached person this decision is much easier and clearer to make. What's great about attachment theory is that the internal map is there for us to follow to create more security within, to observe our behaviours and make more empowered, self loving choices. When we make it less personal as a defect of ours, and see that its a trait of this attachment style, this ability to form a distance, creates a gap, enough time and space to think..hold on...what do I need right now...how can I meet this need..and how can I practice being more securely attached.


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Emma Spiegler

 

©2020 Emma Spiegler. 

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