In the initial sessions with men, what often comes up, is that men are looking for a map, to reignite their desire, feel more confident and reawaken their sexuality.
As a society we haven't been handed down this map!!
In fact, what we have received, is a piece of crumpled paper, with some confusing directions about somewhere over the hill and far away, across the roundabout and then turn left or is it right at the traffic lights?
Current non-maps include:
-- most porn, which teaches the male anatomy of arousal and not the female anatomy of arousal
- most mainstream movies, which teaches that sex happens easily, effortlessly and with minimal (if any) communication
- crap/non-existent sex education, which teaches a lack of communication in previous/current relationships, so we don't know how to talk about what turns us on and what turns us off
- myths around what it means to be a man, what it means to enjoy sex, what it means to have sexual desire and express turn on, what it means to have a soft/semi/hard penis
- stories and unhelpful narratives/expectations around performance as a man
A map can be very helpful, when you have a destination to get to and don't want to waste your precious energy, getting lost and spending hours/days going to the wrong place.
It's of course different and individual to everyone, but some general pointers on the map for sexual pleasure and awakening, can look like this:
- Getting clear on what your sexual narratives are and spending some time questioning some of the false narratives you have been carrying for years. Then getting clear on the new narratives you want to have.
- Working with tools and approaches that tap into all 3 parts of your brain, neocortex, limbic system and primal brain. By this, I mean approaches which support you to make this an embodied process. A process which isn’t just talking, but involves tapping into and exploring body-based practices and tools, such as breath work and conscious, mindful self-pleasure. The body is the subconscious and when it comes to our goals, we want to create alignment with the subconscious and conscious mind and body, to create long lasting shifts.
- Starting a new way of relating to your penis, body and sexual energy, that supports you to become more in tune with your body, and supports you to feel and strengthen the invisible line of connection between your mind, heart, penis and balls. This could mean introducing edging to your self pleasure/masturbation or self-soothing touch or relaxation techniques or holistic sexuality tools such as breath, sound and movement.
- Pruning away old patterns/neural circuits of relating to your sex, that are holding you back from your fuller, authentic joy, pleasure and sexual expression. Firing, wiring and running new neural circuits in your brain/body, that support you to feel ease, confidence, calm, present and pleasure in your body.
This map can include identifying what your current patterns are and setting your goals, of how you want to feel or what you want to be different. Once you know what you want less and more of, then you can go about practicing the new patterns.
Consider working with a professional coach or therapist. You may also want to choose a trauma informed or trauma trained professional. When you are working on your sexuality, it’s important to acknowledge that it’s not just your sexuality you are working on. It’s your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual self, you're working on, as everything is connected. To some degree, most of us carry stress, tension and trauma, when it comes to our sexuality, so working with people who understand this and are trained, will ensure that you get to go at a pace that works for you and your nervous system, body and mind.