Anxious attachment in dating
In attachment theory, we develop styles of attachment which we then take forward into our adulthood. Attachment styles are fluid and when we do the inner work or self soothing, connecting with our inner child, learning different communication styles, identifying the empowered parts of ourselves and building on these parts, then we can create shifts over time, to support ourselves to feel more secure within.
There is no hierarchy here with attachment styles; one isn't better than the other. The attachment quiz is just a tool and not to be used to then label people in a way that strips them of their wholeness or re-opens the wounds which we all have.
When I read the book Attached by Levine and Heller it was a real light bulb moment for me.
It took the shame away from experiencing anxiety, when I formed attachments in romantic partnership. The one particular bit I read was about the author's friend, who was a very empowered and successful women. When it came to relationships, she became completely preoccupied and as they wrote - 'her vitality gave way to anxiousness and insecurity'.
The book describes ways in which anxious attachment impacts people when dating such as:
- Thinking about the person when you are not in contact with them and not able to concentrate on other things - Only seeing their good qualities and ignoring some potential red flags for you (doesn't mean they are a 'bad' person/just means you might not be a the right fit) - feeling anxious on a regular basis and the anxiety only goes away when you are in connection with them in some way - Believing this person you have met and are dating is the only chance you have for love 'what are the chances I will find another person like them?' - Even though you are unhappy in the relationship and there are some fundamental things you are letting slide you believe something will change and keep experiencing the same core issues at the expense of your happiness
Do you want to build on ways in which you can date from an empowered & feel good place? This is the coaching I do with people and together we create the shifts so that you can feel better within yourself.
If you identify with any of these above you might like to check out the attachment quiz https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/?fbclid=IwAR1VoG0tQ33vP5bFcQJ_MztMIMyheRNtZ9e8AlbXFFL5Fmyju3F3Tslz558