It's not just self generated safety. It's the two combined.
We are not meant to do this alone.
We do all we can to self soothe and create a sense of inner calm, balance, ease and safety within. AND then we keep reaching out for support, for connection, for holding, for witnessing, for love, for validation.
We need each other. Full stop.
We have needs and we will always have needs.
We are needy.
Our individualistic and outdated attitudes of pull your socks up and get on with it would have us believing deep down that to ask for support and help is selfish, needy (in a shaming way), and that others have it worse (in a invalidating way).
Our pain is all relative.
If it's hurting us, then it's hurting us.
And we deserve to be held and loved through it.
Co regulation is the way our nervous system 'speaks' to another's nervous system (and vice versa) and communicates reciprocity and safety, allowing us to come into connection and create safe relationships (adapted from Deb Dana's Polyvagal Theory in Therapy).
We are biologically hard wired to connect with each other.
Here is a few ideas of how we can co generate safety:
- Spend time out in nature and stand against a tree and feel the tree having your back
- Call up a friend and have a chat/video call
- Call a helpline (Samaritans/CALM for men/Mind/Get Connected for young people)
- Join a group online
- Listen to a meditation or audio practice by someone who feels soothing to you when you are feeling anxious or scared (Insight Timer has great meditations)
- Find a trusted therapist, coach or therapy group
Here are some words which I read yesterday by 14th century Persian mystic Hafiz that I feel really captures our need for each other:
'How did the rose ever open its heart and give to the world all of its beauty?
It felt the encouragement of light-of love-against its being, otherwise one might remain too frightened'.
Are you at a place right now where you would like to build on your sense of safety and ease within?
Would you like to build on the self knowing and self trusting parts of yourself?
I am here as your coach to support you to connecting with the different parts of yourselves with attention, love and compassion so that you can create and continue to cultivate the relationships and intimacy that you desire.
If this sounds like you, let's book a clarity call to see if we are a great fit!