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I am Needy

I have needs when it comes to relationships, in particular romantic relationship. I am needy Needy, needy, needy. Phew what a relief to get that out there. Anyone else with me? Do you have needs too? In a culture that seems to tip towards the glorification of independence side of the scale, I thought I needed to share my needy status. #noshameaboutmyneediness What I have experienced personally in some of the self development language is this strong subtle shaming of having needs. The language goes something like...to truly be happy we need to love ourselves first and not really need others, that we really must learn to meet those needs ourselves. Only then can we meet another in a healthy, happy partnership. If we have needs there is something 'wrong' with us and we have a lot more inner work to do on ourselves. I don't know about you ...but I still carry subtle messages from this type of thinking. I don't want to carry shame about my needs anymore. I don't want to internally punish myself for having very human needs for intimacy, connection, belonging, feeling wanted, special, and loved. I don't want to silence myself. Try and hide them. Downplay them. Pretend they don't exist. In the book Attached (The science of adult attachment) Levine and Heller state that Dependency is a biological fact. What I love about their book is that they talk about the Codependency Myth. According to them the codependency movement was originally to support people looking after or loving someone with an addiction. We have taken this movement and applied it to all relationships. Full stop, no questions asked. When we are under stress our human biology is designed so that we depend on each other and co regulate each other emotionally and physically. We do need each other. We do get attached to each other. I would love to hear your thoughts on the independence culture, attachment and our needs in romantic partnership.


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Emma Spiegler

 

©2020 Emma Spiegler. 

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