Men feel a slow kind of desire too - it’s not just women!
Women all over the world have been discovering that they have what is called 'Responsive Desire', thanks to books such as Come As You Are by Emily Nagowski. To say that this is a life-changer, when it comes to women stopping blaming themselves or thinking they are broken, is an understatement.
What is not so well known or spoken about, is that men have this slow, responsive kind of desire too!
People with this type of desire, tend to feel:
- Something is inherently wrong with them, that their sexuality is broken
- They have the inferior, lesser than, version of desire
- That their experience of desire is hard work for others to support them, to warm up and become aroused
- That they just simply don’t have desire, are not sexual, and may have pigeon-holed themselves as being asexual
On the screens, we mostly see (and have seen for MANY years) what is called 'Spontaneous Desire'. This is when two people are immediately up for it, already feeling desire and ready to get down to it, in a matter of minutes.
When we throw porn in the mix too… well this has little to no scenarios of people having responsive and slow desire.
This means that we have been comparing ourselves consciously or subconsciously, to only one type of desire and making ourselves wrong, for years and years, not knowing there is another way. This has HUGE consequences on relationships, intimacy, communication, self-esteem, confidence, energy levels. It IS ALL interconnected. If we feel there is something wrong with a part of us, this gets us down.
This is REALLY CONFUSING for people with this slow burner, slow to warm up form of desire! Because the arousal needs to happen first, before the desire. Where as we are conditioned to think desire has to come before arousal.
EVERYWHERE men are exposed to the message that men are up for it anytime, because they LOVE sex!
I can’t stress the importance of talking openly about men having slow burner desire too.
Men, these messages are for you:
- You can LOVE sex AND not be up for it anytime, anywhere.
- You get to need time to warm up, emotionally connect, feel comfortable and relaxed before you feel arousal mentally and physically
- You have a potent and powerful sexuality AND you can be slow to feel arousal, get an erection and be ready for sexual intimacy
- Just because you see it on the screens, doesn’t mean you have to act like and feel like, the men who are up for it any time, any where. This does NOT MAKE YOUR SEXUAL DESIRE WRONG, in any way, shape or form.
- Your slow burner desire comes with gifts. It supports you to slow down, in solo or partnered sex, to really connect with and feel the pleasure build. YUMMY!
- If you do not get an erection straight away, as soon as sexual intimacy starts to happen, this does not mean there is something wrong with you and your sexuality. It’s a call for something else…more connection…more relaxation, more sexual stimulus or things that turn you on, and LESS sexual brakes and things like stressful thoughts, that turn you off.