We have been handed a limited script from the media of how pleasure should look for a Man.
What we see on the screens impacts us.
It’s time to re-write the script.
Say for example that you watch Netflix/movies/porn on average 4 times a week for an hour and your viewing includes sex scenes.
That’s exposure to around 192 hours worth of sex scenes a year that are based on this script ...
1. Man is turned on and wants sex 2. Man gets instantly hard 3. Man has penetrative sex and both he & his partner have an orgasm
This is NOT THE ONLY WAY...
We do not have many references for what so many men enjoy and how their bodies behave during sex.
If your sex-life doesn't follow this 3-part script and you feel inadequate in the bedroom and a huge sense of loss for how you used to enjoy sex, then please know there is NOTHING wrong with you. Hard to believe, when this is literally all we see.
How your body behaves is simply underrepresented.
We do not have many references for what so many men enjoy and how their bodies behave, during sex.
Writing your own script:
1. Find 5 key things you have learned about sex from the screens, from the last 6 months. (E.g man is always quick to get hard)
2. What happens in your body and mind when you think of these 5 things (e.g shift in body language or feeling anxiety in the chest)
3. Go back to those key things and find a reframe that works for you; such as, ‘I am not always quick to get hard AND I can still experience pleasure in my body AND satisfy my partner's sexual needs’.
Get your brain and body on board with the new reframe.
This is key. Telling yourself what you should be thinking, as opposed to what you actually think about/during sex, creates an inner conflict. This inner conflict can show up as a stress response in your body. The stress can be a huge turn-off for you.
When it comes to creating the sex life we want, the thinking mind needs to be on board with the feeling body. The conscious mind and the subconscious body.
We need to get the body on the same team as the mind.
Add some mindful self-touch to your routine before bed this week. Take 10 minutes to touch yourself sexually, sensually or lovingly, with the intention of being intimate with yourself - without the expectation to be aroused or get hard. Say the re-frame to yourself, as you touch yourself.
Let the words land in your body. Your body can hear you.
Giving yourself the gift of loving sexual touch, without the pressure.
Your new script can look like this:
1. Man is not turned on and does not want sex 2. Man is not instantly hard Man receives loving sexual touch, without pressure and begins to feel aroused and desires to have sex.