Here are some of the ways that men find their arousal short-circuits, before or during intimacy:
Having anxious thoughts such as;
- ‘What if I am unable to get an erection and my partner thinks I am not aroused or turned on?'
- 'What if my partner then feels rejected by me?’
- ‘What if I lose my erection?’
- ‘What if I am unable to sustain my erection and we both leave the sexual encounter feeling unsatisfied, disconnected and disappointed with what happened?’
- ‘I am not feeling turned on, so I am not going to get an erection and we can’t have sex, if I am not physically erect and turned on.’
Underlying core beliefs, that keep getting locked in, because the cycle keeps repeating;
- 'I have lost all my confidence when it comes to sex'
- 'I have lost all desire' (this might be the case, however some men’s desire shifts and changes, so it looks like all desire is lost, when it isn’t)
- 'I am not doing my job well as a partner, if I can’t meet some of her sexual needs, in our relationship'
- 'I am not able to get an erection, so we are unable to have sex and intimacy'
- 'Things used to be so much easier and better when I was younger, now it feels complicated and it’s not working for me'
- 'It’s getting worse and it keeps happening'
Anxious thoughts lead to a stress response, impacting the body physically;
- Sweating - Rapid breathing or shortness of breath - Shakiness - Racing heart - Tight chest - Tension in the body - Low in energy - Loss of desire/arousal
The body and nervous system isn’t very good at distinguishing between emotional and physical threats. The emotional impact of a stress response around intimacy triggers an emergency-type response, just as if you were running from a lion and/or facing a life-or-death situation. And the more your emergency stress system is activated, the easier it becomes to trigger, making it harder to shut off the next time a sexually intimate situation comes up.
Men, you can interrupt this cycle!
You can interrupt this cycle by first becoming aware that a stress response is happening in your body.
This is the key. Once you know that a stress response is happening in your body, you can start to learn, practice and use stress-release and self-soothing tools to de-activate the stress response and to signal to you body that you are in fact physiologically safe. You can be in the driving seat here. You can find ways that help to bring ease into your body, that work for you.
If you want help in stopping this pattern of your arousal getting short circuited and feel confident, at ease in your mind and body both in partnered and solo sex. Book in a private 1:1 coaching clarity call with me