You may have got into a pattern in your relationship, where there is so much on the 'to do list', that intimacy has become less frequent or you’ve stopped having sex completely for long periods.
One of the things that can lead to this is the belief that sex ‘should’ happen spontaneously.
That you ‘should’ be feeling up for it.
That this is what is needed to get things going, for one of you to initiate.
However, this very mindset could be lead to no-one initiating, and sex rarely happening.
This is a huge mindset barrier to shift - because it’s all we’ve ever seen on the screens.
What can really transform your sex life with your partner, is to have the conversation about this belief that it should just happen, and agree that you will both find a way to schedule times, where you can connect intimately.
The key here is to make it about physical, sensual and sexual intimacy. If you make it just about having penetrative sex or that an orgasm needs to happen, this could create anxiety and pressure on you both, thus making it far less likely you’ll want to have date nights.
An incredible movie, that shows us something else, a story portraying what it looks like to put in time and effort, into creating a connected and fulfilling sex life, is ‘Hope Springs’.
Kay and Arnold have been married for 31 years. All their children have left the family home. Kay has got to the point where she’s really missing physical affection, words of affirmation, and moments of flirty, sensual touch…a kiss here…a neck kiss there. She is yearning for more intimacy and she is in deep emotional pain, when she sees what’s missing - something needs to shift or they could break up. She asks Arnold to go to marriage counselling and although reluctant at first, he agrees to go. After getting to know their history and stories, the counsellor suggests they start to reintroduce sexual intimacy and make it happen, by scheduling dates nights. As you can imagine, lots of barriers come up for both of them. They make mistakes, meet their fears, feel awkward and get uncomfortable. It’s not easy! Yet they keep going on this journey towards re-connecting sexually, because they want to stay married and acknowledge how important the intimacy is, in their relationship. Spoiler alert; they do stay together in the end, and it’s testament to the work that they both put in. Its not easy for them both, yet ultimately they save a 31 year marriage and are stronger for it. It’s a really beautiful, heartwarming film to watch!
This is exactly what I help you with. We look at these beliefs that are not working for you and I support you to start having the conversations that have felt difficult, and start creating the contexts both internally and externally that will support you to re connect with your desire and arousal. It’s absolutely possible for you to re-introduce sexual intimacy into your relationship. It’s definitely an effort and it’s worth it.