When we are in a close intimate partnership we can end up projecting all sorts of things onto our partner. What we need in this high alert moments is scripts to disarm the perceived threat. FIRST What we need is to first notice ...my partner or loved one has gone into the 'red' zone. They are no longer engaging their prefrontal cortex and thinking, logical mind. They are totally under the influence on an amygdala highjack (feeling brain cut off from thinking brain). Their primal brain that is solely responsible for safety and survival has kicked in. Their body and mind is signalling...'ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK'. This first step is crucial. The awareness to be able to take even one small step back to see...this person isn't able to respond to me right now in a way that will help us move forward and resolve the tension or disconnection we are experiencing. SECOND The second step is then to use a learned scripted phrase and supporting body language that both of you could have even agreed before hand that will disarm and deescalate the sense of immediate threat and danger that the primal part of the brain is registering. To support the person to hear, see and feel it's not their: - Dad - Mum - Sibling - Boss - Abuser That in that moment who is standing in front of them is: - A loved one - Partner who cares - Partner who intends to seek resolve What could these scripts look like? 1. Validate upset I can really see you are feeling hurt and upset now and that is understandable. 2. Reassure its the present you not the past other I am here to listen to you right now. You are safe right now. It's me your partner here. Is there anything I can do right now that you need? I am here for you. (look person in the eyes whilst saying this and offer touch if person finds this soothing and comforting) Really curious to hear what scripts that you feel would be most helpful in these moments? p.s Want to build up and ground in your own internal sense of safety to then be able to offer this in these critical conversations in relationship? DOWNLOAD my free e book - Body Wisdom; finding safety, trust & pleasure after a challenging childhood. Link in the comments below. ⬇️⬇️⬇️
