It's very subtle and it happens a lot. We find these ways to hand over our power to others, especially in romantic relationships.
One reason we could say we are doing this is because we learned from a young age that to love and be loved by someone is to automatically give our power away.
To gain love and approval, is to please and placate the other. So it makes absolute sense we would give away our power in return for love. The other option of not being loved just may not be conceivable to us.
We may not have ever had the opportunity to experience love on equal terms. Power with and not power over.
To make ourselves smaller, nicer, more appealing, more agreeable, more yes when we actually mean no.
Another reason for many of us could be that we have learned to associate power with:
- Greed - Domination - Manipulation - Abuse
An amazing woman I am working with recently said this in a coaching session with me and I was blown away (I have her permission to share this quote).
'Self care is how we take our power back'
Self care is:
- Building a habit of discernment - Building up our capacity to say no even when it's really uncomfortable - Building up a part of us that waits for others to gain our trust - Finding the terrified younger parts of ourselves that exist within us and listen to them, finding out how they are feeling, what do they need, how we can support them and offer them love - Identifying where we might be reenacting outdated survival responses such as the Fawn trauma response of people pleasing
Self care and taking our power back is an ongoing journey. As we are undoing years and years of a pattern of giving it away unconsciously.
It requires a total paradigm shift that love doesn't mean we have to sacrifice our power in order to get it. A redefinition of what power means to us.
ONE OFF coaching sessions
I am now offering one off coaching sessions to be of support at this CV time. I am still working long term with coaching clients, and wanted to offer something along side the coaching long term programmes that feels accessible for people who would prefer a this type of support right now.
If this post resonates with you and you can see that you may be entering into dynamics at the moment which leave you feeling less powerful, let's focus on this in a one off coaching session.
Together we can:
- Create a new part of you that can set a boundary and come up with a few ways you can do this right now - Connect meaningfully with the part of you that is scared to say no, listen to this part with no judgement, let this part of you have a voice
- Leave the session with an audio practice (with special music to help you relax) that will support you to bring in a sesnse of safety and love into your body and nervous system
Contact me via firstname.lastname@example.org to book your session and find out more. I will organise a 15 min free call to talk about what you want to work on. Then I will send you a form to fill in. Then we will have the 1.5 hour coaching session.