Here’s the challenging thing with desire; we are conditioned to think that if we are not feeling spontaneous desire, where we suddenly feel turned on, aroused and really fancy having sex, that we have lost our desire completely.
- No longer feel desire?
- Feel broken sexually?
- Not feel interested in sex?
- Think what you used to have is not coming back?
This is happening in relationships both new and long-term and creates a whole host of issues, within the relationship.
For some, their partners are initiating sexual intimacy, however they just don’t feel turned on and sex is so far from their mind, that they say 'no' to their partner’s advances. This can bring up feelings of rejection, disappointment and sadness, for the person who initiates and feelings of guilt, shame, pressure, and hopelessness, for the person who is not feeling spontaneously aroused. For others that have moved passed this stage, of trying to make things work, initiating sexual intimacy feels like climbing Mount Everest. It feels too high to climb and they wouldn’t even know where to begin.
Even non-sexual physical intimacy has stopped for some couples, because of the fear and anxiety that one thing will lead to another and they just don’t know how it would all work, after so long of not being intimate.
For the person who has lost touch with desire, they will often see themselves as the low libido partner. Desire feels so far away, that they actually desire to have desire. To have that spark of energy within, that leads to the thought of …’ooh I really fancy having some sex right now’.
The thing is, if you are waiting for this feeling and thought to arise, you could be waiting for a long time! If you are waiting for something to magically shift, back to the times when you felt sexual and enjoyed masturbating and/or initiating sex (or you may not have ever felt this type of desire) – again, you could be waiting a long time.
This is not to be negative, this is a call for a total MINDSHIFT.
This is your lightbulb moment and the magical shift that you have been waiting for!
To come into acceptance of your slow-build (or 'responsive') desire.
Once you accept this, you open up a whole new realm of possibility, in your sexual life.
This acceptance is hard to come by, when we have deeply engrained messages from our upbringing and mainstream culture, that spontaneous desire is the ONLY form of desire.
It’s not the only form of desire! There is another form and this is by no means the LESSER form of desire. There is no hierarchy here – it’s about one form of desire having different needs.
This ACCEPTANCE takes work.
- It takes the courage to be vulnerable, in your authentic, sexual expression.
- It takes time to connect with and embrace with love, the old stories and narratives, you hold within, about what it means to be a sexual person.
- It takes trust, a deep, embodied self-trust and a closer connection with your body and your sensations.
- It takes safety. A foundation of safety and re-wiring for love, safety and belonging, in your nervous system.
- It takes an open mind, to question what you believe to be true.
- It takes skilled support and a period of time, to work through this on a multitude of levels; emotional, physical, mental, energetic and spiritual.
The foundations of trust and safety are crucial here, when you have been questioning yourself and invalidating your form of desire for so long. For months or years, you might have been internalising this negative message; that there is something deeply wrong with you, because you don’t randomly feel sexually aroused. This self-questioning can leave you with an inherent feeling, that there is something wrong with you.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Many people come to me because they have reached a point in their relationship, where they absolutely need to bring some intimacy back. The relationship is suffering and both partners are missing the connection, expression of love, playfulness, pleasure and joy, that comes through shared sexual intimacy.
I absolutely love working with these people and seeing them move from feeling broken to empowered, confident, accepting (of their sexual neutrality and slow to build arousal), and sharing intimacy, that brings out the best in their responsive desire. It’s a win-win for both in the couple, when the person with responsive desire has the understanding, knowledge and embodied safety and trust within, to communicate what works for them and supports them to feel desire and enjoy sex.
My work is results-based and I have a high success rate. I definitely can’t take all the credit though, because it’s a co-creation. I often work with people who have done lots of ground-work or therapy before.
The shifts occur because I work with the body and I am using body-based practices and tools, in the coaching sessions. And for those who stick with the coaching programme, listen to the re-wiring guided audios, do the embodiment practices, and have the open, transparent and vulnerable conversations with their partners, they see the results and shifts they set at the beginning of our work together.
Do you want to see how your relationship to desire itself can dramatically shift and how this could support you to share more deep and meaningful sexual intimacy with your partner? Book in a clarity call with me!