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Why your Internal Taskmaster is holding you back in your sex life

Taskmaster - ‘a person who imposes a harsh or onerous workload on someone’ (Oxford English Dictionary)

When it comes to my work with cis-gendered men, one of the biggest obstacles to them creating the sex life they desire, is the internal Taskmaster.

He stands there, with overbearing body language and is ready to shame you into action and overworking at a moment's notice. His role is to KEEP YOU SAFE.

He’s learned, since he was born, that working is what matters. To the point of exhaustion. To the point of burnout. That pleasure, leisure and relaxation are luxuries. These are nice to have, but only when you have been good and ticked off your list. Not that the to-do list is ever ending!



Because he takes his role seriously. He’s there to make sure you don’t miss any opportunities, won’t get fired, that you are respected amongst family, friends, colleagues and your partner. He knows that your value as a human being is determined by how much you produce. By how much you deliver. By how much you DO.


He has a role to play. He’s been in this role for years. He knows it inside out. You can trust him on this one. He won’t let you down.


Ultimately, he is there to make sure you are provided for in life. And that you, in turn, can provide for those you care about.

Men, when it comes to working on; - erectile disappointment issues (not getting erections when you want to/ejaculating when you don’t want to) - performance anxiety - regaining your desire for sex - sexless marriage - feeling like your sex life is last on the list

It’s a must to open up a loving, compassionate communication channel, with the internalised Taskmaster.

He’s been on your team for decades.

This will take some strong renegotiations. He won’t just give up his role, because you asked nicely.

He needs to know that you can be trusted. He needs evidence that REST IS PRODUCTIVE.

He needs to see that the team member in town has got it sorted. That he is strong, capable, resourced, has nervous system resilience, is able to stand by his no’s and yeses, and create strong boundaries, in all areas of his life.

He needs to know that he is safe, when he stops “doing mode”. That he is safe, when he allows himself to drop into deeper states of relaxation.

He needs to know, when you set the intentions for powerful, connected and primal sex, that you are safe to surrender. To surrender to the unknown.

He needs to know you have the capacity to hold these high levels of sensation.

He needs to know that your POWER is in how you allow yourself to receive self-nourishment and love, from your partner or lover.

In this sense working on your sexual issues, is FAR MORE than you could imagine. It’s about creating LIFESTYLE SHIFTS. This is your calling, to create more pleasure, not just in the bedroom BUT ALSO in your life.

These types of conversation are most productive, when you have a skilled witness and guide.

This is bigger than a PERSONAL issue. This is COLLECTIVE and systemic.

We need each other to hold space, to shine the light on these internalised, oppressive sub-personalities, that govern our actions and how we live our lives.

This is what I do as a sexuality coach. I hold this depth of space for you to have these important conversations. To create a line of open and honest dialogue, between you and these parts of you. I am here to hold you accountable and together we explore in depth, the multiple emotional, mental and energetic layers, that hold you back from what you want, in your sex life.

Let’s open up the lines of communication with your Taskmaster and intentionally create the shifts in your life, mind and body so that sex becomes something you really look forward to and enjoy.

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