You can work through Performance Anxiety & Erectile Disappointment issues AND still use Porn
Let me explain HOW...
Many of the men I work with are using pornography. So you are certainly not alone when it comes to using porn as a way to unwind and seek pleasure.
I’ve worked with men, who in the past have tried to stop their porn use altogether, in attempts to resolve issues, such as erectile disappointment and performance anxiety.
The problem with just stopping porn use, is that the underlying reasons for the man's porn use, are still there. So they come back to it, after a period of stopping, but this time with an even deeper sense of shame and failure than they were feeling before, while potentially still experiencing the same initial issues.
As a coach, when it comes to supporting you with performance anxiety, I am guiding you to work through the emotional, psychological and energetic blocks. I’m not here to tell you to stop using porn. Being told you need to stop using porn altogether, when it’s your way of switching off and enjoying yourself, can create an inner conflict.
This all-or-nothing mentality forces men into binary thinking. It actually perpetuates the cycle of shame, that some men are already feeling when using porn. What men hear is; “Stop using porn, it's bad for you” which translates to - "You are a bad person, for using porn."
That’s it. End of conversation.
But what about asking "What feels good for you as a man?"
How about a different starting point - where you focus on your underlying desires, wants and needs?
What about masturbating or self-pleasuring, in a way that spreads pleasure all over your body and gives you fits of laughter, for the rest of the day?
What about masturbating or self-pleasuring, in a way that helps you discover that you can prolong your pleasure and in turn last longer in bed, with your partner?
What about masturbating or self-pleasuring, in a way that puts you in the driving seat of your sexual energy, where you are the one in control?
How would you like to have a masterful relationship, with your sexual self?
Where are the conversations about the underlying desires, wants and needs, when it comes to pornography use?
Instead of perpetuating this shame spiral, this is your invitation to begin a mindful self-pleasure practice.
Mindful self-pleasure is about getting intentional, with how you touch yourself. It’s about slowing down and giving yourself more time. It’s an act of self love.
It’s an opportunity to try switching off or pressing pause on the porn and experimenting with what you are feeling in your body. You take your focus off the screen and you bring your focus inwards, to your body.
This is powerful stuff.
The more you turn your attention inwards to your body, the more you are IN your body.
The body is where we experience pleasure.
So it makes sense that the more in your body you are, the more pleasure you feel.
I love that my job involves hearing report backs, from men, about their first ever mindful self-pleasure practice. One man I recently worked with, shared how surprised he was that the practices actually worked. He shared how by masturbating without porn, he was able to be purely in the moment and focus on every sensation he was feeling. He felt in a completely different state to his normal one (which was much more stressed).
There is, of course, a lot of nuance to this conversation, when it comes to men's relationship to porn, that I cannot cover in one post. It’s also an ongoing conversation. By acknowledging the negative impact of binary thinking, I am in no way invalidating the harm that porn can cause in men’s lives and relationships.
For some men, stopping porn use for a period of time or altogether, may be exactly what they need and what serves them best.
When you partner with me, as your coach, we are working on what it is you really want, in your sex life. That’s where our focus is. If your relationship with porn changes, in a way that feels good for you, that’s great - but it’s not our main focus.